Soldier and man

I am, what I am. I'm a soldier, and a man. In terms of greatness, I'm advanced, I do more than many can. Understand what this means, I'm a beast but not obscene, to my enemies I am mean, but my slate is pure and clean. So it seems, I'm the one. Not for you, but for some. And until his kingdom comes, I sleep with my hand on the gun. Never scared, I never run, I'll save the earth, the moon, the sun. No regrets of what I've done, no hate for what I've become. My past is not my future. Your truth is not my scripture. Your words can't paint a picture if they have no meaning to them. Your weaknesses, I knew them. You indulged while I out grew them. It killed off all the lesser men I knew and used to chill with. But I can't fall to that filth. Not one for falling down hill. Too smart to swallow that pill, I live my life and stay real. Can't shake my state of mind, one deep breath and then I'm fine. Too quick to die from mines, mind your business hide from mine. In time you will know what I mean by that. There is no welcome mat where you wear Kevlar as a hat. When I'm up to bat there is no margin of error, I'm never late so I'm always better. In a season of weather where superiors become peers, and subordinates were once brothers. But we will always be brothers, Velcro embroidery can't tear that asunder. Anything that falls will fall by my hand, one of many truths for a soldier and a man.

Just wanted to be a man

Desktop full of knives
Drawers full of liquor
And yet I find myself
Just staring at her picture

Wishing it were clearer
That things had gone better
I'll take my heart off my sleeve
And tuck it back in my sweater

I thought you knew me better
And now I feel deceived
Especially when you cut me
Just to see if I would bleed

To this madness I concede
And label it as love
You swore it was a lie
And like whiskey it burns, it's tough

On my chest and lungs
My throat and heart
Distorting my mind
Tearing me apart

Disoriented and dazed
A confusing haze
Don't know what else to think
So silence controls the same.

Just want to be a Man...

I wrote this when I was in an argument with my lady...but yeah:

I was on crown when i wrote this so forgive me if it's a bit incoherent...but i'm in
wtf mode and its very apparent. Someone tell me where the value of the truth went,
so unrecognizeable we send it to the lab and test it, poke, prod, and second guess it
more focused on the source instead of the fucking message. I'm throwing back this crown
as i write, selfmutilation by royalty seems a fitting end tonight...like my first name
was cesar, stabbed in the back, incinerated by her ether. My lungs burning as i speak,
tired of being meek, it's time to take it to the streets, no heat just sorrows, empty gin
bottles, and promises of tomorrows. about deities i swear to follow, ideals that are
hollow and tempers i can't control. i can't believe i pushed aside my pride so you could
piss on my ego. Well damn, you should have told me how you really feel. or were you just
that scared to keep it real? i don't understand you and now i guess i never will. i feel
the crown taking over, i guess it shoots to kill. but i won't die that easily, not as long
as i know who i'm supposed to be. too bad you couldn't just believe in me. too bad you're
stuck inside that box, fighting ignorance and fear, united by a titanium padlock. and yet
i still don't have the strength to walk. Because i want to see you on the top. i want to
see you when you shine and most importantly i wanted you to be mine. but i guess such a
title is abitrary. being attached is just so freakin scary. being so vulnerable so long
hoping no one is 'putting on' until the feeling is long gone...and trust turns to suspicion
and you create faults to find and call it woman's intuition...what a great damn position.
to be the judge of all, never facing conviction. i was told trust is a two way street, one
on which i hoped we would meet but...i finally see you had other plans. Guess that's what
i deserve trying to be a man. i writing this as fast as i can becasue i've downed half the
bottle and i still can't understand...the intentions behind this. just when i thought i found
someone of substance. of course i had to 'snag' you i didn't care about the former men, i just
wanted to have you. in mind and body, spirit and soul. i had plans for us to grow so freakin
old. you were the rreason i became bold, i'd kill satan himself if he dared to touch your
soul. and still you didn't believe me...i'd try to walk on water but at this point i'd drown
see...i'm really not like these other dudes. even though it looks fun and i wanted to...how
could i give someone like you up for a random night of lust, just a few humps and a bust?? i
put my money on us, i bet it all cause the odds were against me...david vs goliath but i'm
 still looking for the victory. you always thought i was bragging but i just wanted to be
what you wanted baby.

Fortune

People smoke kush trying to cushion the sadness
I question the madness and they question my blackness
From culture shock to a culture diss
Because rap artists aren't my only influences
I took Lupe fiasco to shakesperian prose keeping the beat
Then took a picture of a rose growing through concrete
Slavery has been rotting for centuries, but we still dig it up
We let our ignorance write the future and the penis plays Cupid fucking everything up
One hit by the arrow and wounds begin to fester
Nine months later introducing a new character
And instead of an uprising of character we blow trees to the shit
Who believes in the shit
Who remembers their problem when it's so much easier to forget
Just to bury the pain, throw a blanket over the shame
Walking in shambles without a fortune to claim.

Murders and Thieves

I live in a world
Of murderers and thieves
Steal your joy, kill your spirit
Leave you dying and diseased
For now monetary gains
Outweigh intervention
So I turn a blind eye to the shit
And call it progression
But how can I combat it
Repair this broken picture
When they rip down and hide away
Even Biblical scriptures?
Prophecies and blessings
Forbidden by the same
People we are to trust
with our problems and pain
The wounds are still the same
But weapons they wield are different
but still I turn the other cheek
And fuck the thoughts i lie awake with

Remember?

 I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. I think its causing me to daydream a bit more than I need to...well that and making me remember the things I've seen, experienced, and maybe even miss a little...;

Bittersweet memories always seem to get the best of me; disintegrating what's left of me to look like the rest of me....it hurts like karma manifesting in destiny. Or is the Lord simply testing me? It feels like I'm tripping so I can't walk away, but the memories are killing me so there's no way I can stay, my mind goes grey, the lines blur and fade, but somehow I'm supposed to stay....on this righteous path to eternal life, given by the one who sits on high. Maybe his reasons become clearer with time, and until it does I'll keep my memories inside.

When in Nirvana

This came to me while I was meditating this morning...its out of the norm for my writing style, but I'm posting it anyway lol, btw working on an eBook to publish soon so wish me luck!

In the concrete
I saw two flowers growing
A white flower and a black rose

Walking down the street
I see two forces tugging
The word of God and our broken prose

Within the halls of power
Are many secrets kept
I wonder if, anybody knows

More than a man
Less than a diety
But this life is what i chose

Floating in nirvana
Dreaming listlessly
Looking for my, abandoned soul.

Opposing forces
Clash their swords together
In fevor to reach, a common goal

The educated
Died mutilated
So tell me, what is it that you know

Darkness looms
The world grows cold
A prophecy, the bible fortold

It's said that love
Will save our soul
How when the hero, seems fictional?